The Truth is Right Here
by Phoebsfan
Summary: Scully's thoughts on Mulder's "death" in the autopsy room.


Authors note: Scully POV obviously

Authors note: Scully POV obviously.Takes place at Mulder's autopsy. Also I don't own any characters 'cept my little medical assistant.But if you want to use my little medical assistant go ahead.He's really good at helping Scully out.He likes Photographing dead people, walks on the beach and…JK.

"Agent Scully?Are you ok?" The medical assistant asked as he stopped photographing the body.I must have blanked out again.It's easier that way.

"Yes, sorry about that.Where was I?" I questioned myself knowing full well where I was but not wanting to admit it.

"I can get someone else to do this." The assistant offered.Yeah he probably could but I wouldn't trust the next coroner over my dead body so why should this one be any different.Even though I tried to tell myself that this one wasn't different I couldn't convince myself that that was true.He was different.He had a name, a history, friends…me.I couldn't call him "subject" I couldn't say subjects face has three gouges on each cheek made by what appears to be…I couldn't say subject's teeth appear to have…I couldn't look at him and not see the man he was.But I had to.

"No.That's all right.That's all." I told him hoping he would leave.He got the picture and did.No doubt to run to Agent Doggett who I'm sure is standing out in the hall waiting with Skinner and even Frohike, Langly, and Byers.They all asked me, no begged me not to come in here and do this.Mourn they said.Remember him as he was.Move on.They didn't understand that that was something I couldn't do until after this.

"Subject's skin…" I start to move on but the effort is too much for me and I have to stop.I remember seeing myself here on a similar table. I remember the fear and pain that image had caused.But this.This was worse then any image I had imagined.Imagination couldn't compare to the horror of this moment.Why hadn't I let the boy get someone else?Why did I have to torture myself this way?Mulder wouldn't have expected it, would he?

" Subject's skin is…cold and stiff." Of course it's cold and stiff he's dead I remind myself. Although at the same time my mind screams he was never cold and stiff before, his touch was always kind and warm, he shouldn't be so cold.I figure moving on with the autopsy would be the best solution so I continue.

"Subject's arms and hands…" I stop here as a memory of the last night we spent on a case together.Those same arms had held me that night.Those same fingers had brushed my cheek.A tear slipped out. I thought I had taken care of all of them by now.Guess I was wrong.As I looked at him one more time I knew that this image would be burned in my mind and I wouldn't need commentary on it to write the report.It would be better if I continued with the internal exam.His heart wouldn't be any different from the other's I had seen.I could look at his stomach without remembering the way he had looked at me the last time I saw him.I could weigh his liver without remembering the last words he said to me.

"Beginning Y-incision…" I stop here.I know what I'll find.It was the same as the other abductee.It would be pointless to go on.It's not that I can't do it, I can really I can.You believe me right?I can do this.I just don't need to.Mulder's records would be easy to fake.Maybe he wouldn't agree with this.Maybe he'd tell me that the truth could lie somewhere in that body but right now I don't want the truth.I want to believe the lie.I want to deny everything and trust no one.I put down the scalpel and start to stitch him up.I won't do this to my friend and I won't let anyone else do it either.I never realized how impersonal these things were.How wrong it was for me to come in and take someone apart.No amount of reverence could make it better.How must the families feel to have their loved ones treated in such a way?On the one hand it was necessary and the other it was invasive and cruel.I chose the invasive and cruel hand.I knew I would find nothing and to dig further would be pointless, not to mention incredibly hard-I could still do it though don't get me wrong.After I closed the incision I wanted to leave but a part of me wanted to hold his hand one more time.It had always been such a comfort before.I knew it wouldn't be the same.But I had to try it anyway. I loved him, not the romantic couple kind of love.It was much deeper than that.It was if our souls had sought each other out to be friends, to be family, but so much more.It was different from every other love I have ever had in my life.Grabbing his cold lifeless hand I cried.I don't know how long I stood there crying in front of him.I tried so hard not to let myself do that before but now I felt as if we had finally crossed that barrier and that he was safe to cry in front of.He wouldn't judge me for it.He wouldn't mock me with "Ice Queen of the FBI" jokes.I knew that if you were able to Mulder, you would have taken me in your arms until I stopped crying.I guess that's why I'm still standing here looking at you.It's strange to think that you are really gone.I have this proof right before me but I still want to fight it.There were so many things left undone.You know I wanted to tell you something important but I guess you already know now about my child.I was going to ask you if you would be the father figure in his life.You're the only person who I could stand to have around that long.Plus…well forget it.All the months you were gone I never thought we'd find you like this.I know now what you must have gone through when I was taken.I'm sorry I never realized how hard it was.Every day was hell.There was something else too, something I need to talk about with someone.You're the only person who would believe me.That sounds a lot like something you'd say doesn't it, well I'm finding I'm a lot more like you then I thought.At least I seem to be getting that way, but don't get me wrong I'm not taking up sunflower seeds and starting my own video collection.At least not yet.Anyway back to the thing I needed to talk about…I saw you before we found you.I had dreams and I saw you as a…well something not quite alive.I know it was probably just my imagination.It's just that I believe that it wasn't.Yes Mulder you can laugh now and mock me, but I think that it was real and I think that you were there.See I told you I was becoming more like you all the time.I'll take care of the X-Files for you.I know you wouldn't want someone who doesn't believe to run the show.Agent Doggett really doesn't know what to believe yet.Oh that's right you don't know him.He's a great guy really although I have the feeling you two might not get along so well together.We're still trying to figure out who he pissed off to get sent to the basement, maybe one day though right.

"Agent Scully?" I turned around and saw Skinner and Agent Doggett and the rest of the gang hanging in the doorway. "Are you alright it's been…" I cut him off after a quick look at the clock I should have been done by now.

"I'm fine." I say as I cover Mulder's face and for the first time since this all started I actually mean it.


End file.
